This week, 'Therapy Begins with T(ea)' steeps on the problem with 'holding it together' emotionally and offers a full body check-in to practice a more compassionate (and effective) way to experience our emotions.
Therapy Begins with T(ea) is a weekly newsletter based on the themes that come up in my sessions as a therapist who specializes in conflict & attachment in romantic relationships, shame & imposter syndrome, and our psychological relationships with money. Each week consists of a 'steep' in thought reflection, an accompanying body based check-in, and tea card intentions for the week to come. Its intended use is for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for individualized medical or mental health treatment.
'Steep' in Thought (3-5 min)
What we think 'holding it together' means
You know that feeling when you start to get worked up? When that irritation or anxiety begins to bubble and build. Both you & your thoughts start to heat up & your tongue becomes sharp, your tone curt. Or maybe you lose your words entirely and become really quiet, boiling internally. You try to hold it together for as long as you can, but eventually, the valve breaks and you erupt, overwhelmed. You know that feeling?
I hear this term a lot, ‘holding it together.’ And, in theory, it’s a worthwhile practice to be able to keep ourselves united and whole. But that’s not usually how we use it. When we say or think ‘I just need to hold it together,’ we really mean suppression: to push down, block, ignore any rising overwhelm we feel in our bodies. To remain calm, composed, and ready to do whatever is necessary in the moment, often at the cost of our own internal experience.
What 'holding yourself together' really means
I’ll be the first to say that it’s not always the right time (or even safe) to fully digest what we’re feeling in the moment we’re feeling it. And that’s where bracketing (which you may remember from a past Steep; you can find it in the newsletter archive on my website) can come into play. But before we can decide how we want to handle a situation, we first have to feel safe (or closer to it). We have to work with our bodies before we can work with our minds.
What if, instead of pushing down and ignoring, ‘holding it together’ meant checking in quickly with ourselves as a sort of triage? What if it meant taking a pause to recognize that we’re activated & try to soothe ourselves, with breathing or orienting or any other way of regulating that works for you. This way, we’re actively working to decrease the rising tension in us rather than forcefully (and futilely) trying to push it down. And then once we’re a little more regulated, a little closer to safety, we have more access to our inner resources (like calm and clarity) to decide if we need to step away or communicate what we’re feeling. This is how we can actually hold ourselves together.
If you want to practice this type of ‘holding it together’, step-by-step, try out this week’s full body check-in.
Full Body Check-In (2-4 min)
Think of a time where you got really worked up to the point of overwhelm. Maybe it was an argument, a meeting at work, an unexpected message. Bring that memory forward and let the scene crystalize. Where were you? Were you with anyone or were you alone? What happened? What did you feel?
As you play the scene out, notice what happens in your body. What sensations and emotions can you feel? To whatever degree you can tolerate, dial back in to those emotions, that overwhelm. And then pause the memory.
As you feel the tension rise in your body, resist the urge to push it back down. Instead, breathe through it. Maybe you use your breath as an anchor. Maybe you tune your attention to the soles of your feet rooted to the ground or your back against the pillow that’s supporting it. Maybe you rest your hand on your chest or belly or forehead. Notice what happens to that swell of overwhelm.
How intense is it now? Notice how your body shifts and adjusts as you regulate yourself. Are you able to access a sense of calm or groundedness? How is this experience compared to times you’ve tried to push down and ignore the intensity of feeling activated?
Now that you’re more regulated, closer to safety, unpause the memory. How do you want to engage with the worked up feelings now? As you look back on this memory, what did you need? A moment to yourself? To share how you were feeling? To work through the emotions behind the overwhelm or to bracket them instead of lashing out? Notice what clarity comes to mind now that you’re feeling more regulated.
What has ‘holding it together’ meant to you previously and what do you want it to mean for you now? Pushing down? Or down-regulating so that you can feel calm and clear?
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